Writing to Santa isn’t exactly a local tradition because we know the post office is a mission. Besides, most of us grew up knowing that if someone is on the roof, they aren’t there to deliver presents, they’re there to take the copper piping. In our world, Santa is the guy at the mall or a community event.
That Santa letter from the Cape Flats is doing the rounds again. I suspect it will still be circulating in twenty years because it’s so recognisable.
Many people see the letter and immediately recognise the person behind it. If you grew up on the Cape Flats, you probably know someone someone like this.
He’s that bra who never has any kroon but refuses to wear anything other than the latest sneakers. He’s that bra who dropped out of school early because the street corner offered a better education. He spends his weekends juggling three different meide while trying to avoid a klap from his main one. Right now, he’s probably standing in front of the babbie, sharing with his manskappe an entjie he bought with an empty Coke bottle. Yet here he is, asking Father Christmas for the finest things life can offer.
Read the Cape Flats letter to Santa below:
Vade Krismis, my naam is Ougat, antie Deffie se laaitie vannie Park
Ek voel kak emberus ommie brief te skryf, but a man is down out en my brasse het my die befokte idea gegie om virrie ou te skryf!
‘n Man sal mossie ‘n ding by jou vra, as ‘n mannie swak issi Nou, ‘n man is kak swak die jaa – dai vokken ressesin se skuld!
Ek issie wys wattie ressesin issie, but ‘n anne bra maak wys, is ‘n virus van America! Die ou is mos wys, ek het mos die hele se los kinnes, Plus ek het vokkol blink-ding om vir hulle te gan sopping vi krismis nie.
Nou, ek vra mooi man.stiek uit jou bang ding! Ek soek Ben Ten watches vir ammil my laaities – man-man een. Organice soemaar ‘n paa trappers vir hulle oek – Nike sal befok wies, but as die ou nie kan annerste nie, bring maar Reebok ! It sal befok wies as die ou maybe skyt-bords kan saambring -ons kannit mos wee swai assie blok skroei ! Pursinally, soek ekkie nog baie nie, but one thing is one thing – bring vir my ‘n lekke stuk myt saam – die ding wat hie langs my tiep, is verdala -paptyres!
‘n Parcel genuine Transkei groen sal kwaai wies – ‘n man roek al heel vokken jaa ou Gakkie se kak ennit fok ‘n man se bors op – ek hoes net vokken slyme! Verre sal ek ‘n bottel whisky appriesieate, ‘n six-pek huntis en twie pap-sakke ! En toe kat ‘n long story sort, bring sokkar tiekets saam- brazil , ietalie, spyn en england games only – bafana speel te kak en ons soek befokte vriete vir krismis – lek of lem, hoene en koul meat en selids.
En vi die ding hie langs my, bring vi haa ‘n nuwe gevriet – sy lyk k@k!
Soe, ek ekspek die ou soe afte 12 – park soema oppie landjie – my mansskappe sal mooi kyk narrie ou se goetes – no warries!
en moenie nou warrie mettie job wat ek gevra hettie – maybe agte Easter!
Dis met ‘n disipliene en respek Vade Krismis
Hos ! Raak wys !
The ou who wrote this letter knows he is being a nuisance, and he leans into it. He uses his words to create a version of himself that is both annoying and entertaining. The way the he talks to Santa Claus shows exactly why our local humour is the best in the country.I can almost see Father Christmas’ reply to this bra: “Lig jou gat en gan soek werk!”
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